Write Your Father

Dear Dad,

I searched for you after I found out the truth. I cried, I prayed, I went looking for you. I found you and the emptiness in my soul was filled. You shared with me how you screwed up your life, went to prison and felt ashamed. I embraced you because of YOU! Not because of what you have done in the past but because you were my Father and I have been longing for you my whole life. I always dreamed of the fairytale relationship I would have with you once I found you but I never thought you would do it again. Reject me, cast me away because I was not willing to let you control me. I was a grown woman when I found you but you treated me like a child. You had a rough life, probably never have been loved like you should have been. I\’m sorry for that. I know deep down you love me and you rejecting me (in your mind) is you protecting yourself from me rejecting you. I love you, you were harsh, you were controlling because you feared losing me. So much so that you had to hurt me. It was your way of pushing me away so you wouldn\’t get hurt. I forgive you, I still love you and I feel very sad for you. You have lost everyone. It was your own doing and my fear is that you will die a lonely, bitter old man. You didn\’t let me love you. You have missed out on a beautiful, loving daughter. I know my value and it doesn\’t diminish because someone rejects me. Rejection is protection. God was there when you weren\’t. He taught me my value, he loved me unconditionally and he was my Father. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. I\’m sad for you. It must stink to be so bitter and full of fear. You have lost everyone because of your behavior. I choose to forgive you. I choose to have compassion because I know you have to live with yourself and your regrets. My only prayer is that I get to see you and spend time with you before you leave this earth. I love you and forever will.

To my real father who I’ve never met. I would like to know if you ever think of me. Have you tried looking for me? Even though I am 35 years old and have a beautiful family of my own, with a loving husband, I still want to know you. Even though I hardly ever mention you and pretend that not having a father doesn’t bother me. It’s made me who I am and sometimes it’s both good and bad. Good because I would never abandon my kids like you abandoned my mother and I and bad because I have a lot of insecurities that I allow to influence me. I may never get to meet you, but God nows I turned out ok. I pray that he watches over you…and I forgive you. FYI my mother passed away over a year ago and she was the best mother AND father I could ever have.

Roger ~ I haven’t called you Dad since 1982. You had your chance and you can never get those years back…you fucked it up. I feel sorry for you.

“Dad,

After not hearing from you for 17 years I cannot believe we have finally begun to open up a line of communication. I can’t believe how much I have missed you. Although I am 40 years old I still have such a need for you to be my dad. Now to know that you are in the hospital with serious health conditions scares me. Just when I think I may have you back in my life. Please get better! We have so much to catch up on. I forgave you years ago for walking away and want you to be a very real part of my life. I thought it would be hard for me to say, but it is not….I love you dad!!”

“Dad,

I have often thought about how blessed I am to have you as my dad. I do think that I have always known that our family was special. I knew that I was privileged to be a part of something that not everyone was able to experience. At least I thought I knew.

But

Every day that goes by that I meet another young kid who is growing up without a dad in their home…

Every day that I talk with a friend who is still unwilling to believe that she deserves to be treated with respect…

Every day that I see the lifelong pain that wounds and scars my friends whose mom and dad chose divorce…

Every day that I watch these men choose {anything} over their families…

On those days I am overwhelmed with gratitude for you, dad.
I am thankful to you

for being present in my life

for choosing my mother

for cherishing her

for respecting her

for loving her

for sacrificing for her

for honoring her

for being faithful to her

for working hard to provide for us

for investing in each of your girls

for encouraging us when we were overwhelmed

for helping us pick up the pieces when we made a mess of things

for helping us pick up the pieces when we made a mess of things again

for offering gentle guidance when we lost our way

for loving us – even when we threw it back in your face

for being patient with us

for choosing to restore us, not to punish us

for giving us hugs and kisses each night before bed

for protecting us and making us feel safe

for not being ashamed to wear your heart on your sleeve

for pursuing your dreams

for encouraging me to pursue my dreams

for admitting your failures – and for allowing me to admit mine

for pushing me to do better

for telling me who Jesus is – and for showing me who Jesus is

for being willing to change

for being passionate about the things that are important to you – and to us

I am thankful that you never hesitate to tell us how much you love us. And you have consistently showed us just how much you love us.

You have given me such an incredible story to share, dad. You have given me purpose.
It is because of you that I will fight for these fatherless kids. Because I know just how much they are missing.

I love you, daddy.”

“Dad, Where to begin. I was always trying to make you see me. I was trying to make you understand that I am not you. You have made me feel like the outsider in a family that was once a very special unit. We went fishing, camping, built models worked on cars. Then one day it stopped. You had decided that I wasn’t the kid that I once was. You compared me to everyone that you could think of good or bad. I was the one that you threw out to see if I could make it. When I was able to make you called the cops and had me arrested as a runaway. This after I was told that I can no longer live in the household anymore. What suprises me even more is that I was 15 at the time. I never heard the words I love you from you. I just knew you did with the things we used to do together.
So now your dieing of cancer. I found out and all I could do was cry. What was even worse was that when I showed up at your home I was told by mom and my brother that you weren’t going to allow me to see you at the house or even step foot in the house. We got to meet and the cancer center. You looked like you had been through hell and back. You were there for radiation treatments. You told me to wait for you outside the building. I saw you the day I left. It suprised me along with everybody else when you asked if there was any way I could stay.”

At 35 years old, I don’t really have anyone to call “Dad”. Mine wrote me a letter kicking me out of the house at 18, and why? Not sure. I was never to sure of him. What he did for a living, what time he came home from work. I don’t even know anything about his family. What I did know was to stay away from him in fear of getting yelled at or worse, being popped by his fist or a belt. Most people learn from their fathers to play sports, maybe life, get homework help. I learned to lie. I was a good liar since I had to tell my teachers that I “fell off a bike” or maybe “I fell off the wooden fort” I was playing at with my friends and that’s where my purple sores were coming from. What else did I learn? I learned to not trust anyone. I learned to be angry. I even learned that when someone touched me, I should just twitch or fidget. Probably from all the other times. To this day,I still fidget when touched. Probably explains why I am still single. That was probably the best gift I ever got from him. I remember in High School, one of my best friends was super close and always noticed how awesome his dad was. I even noticed my Senior year of HS, all the Dads that would show up with their kids for Senior Night at the Football game. Where was mine? Not really sure. To this day I always wondered what I did wrong?! As a kid, I always asked my self what I did wrong to deserve being hit so har with a belt that ,my purple spot had blood. What I did wrong as a 3 year old to be backhanded so hard I cried for 15 minutes because it hurt. Dad, what did I do sowrong as a kid that I deserved all that.. For those of you that wrote previously good words, I applaud your relationship as those are what real fathers are. For the rest of us, we will just be left to wonder like in my case, what I did for you to do this…..

“Dad… I guess,

Some of my best memories are about you and most of my worst memories, also about you. You left me crying in the kitchen that day and I’ll never understand why. You suggested that my new step-father should just adopt me and I’ll never understand why. We haven’t talked in so many years and I’ll never understand why. You have left a gaping hole in my heart and I’ll never understand why. I thought I had overcome the hurt and confusion until the day my first son was born. It was on that day that I felt a love for someone that I never had experienced. I was THE happiest man on earth and then thoughts of you flooded my mind. How could you abandon me the way you did? What is it that I did to you that would cause a love a father has for his son to be shattered?

I walk around in this life with a pain that seems unbearable at times, a pain which must be hidden from most. If they could see inside they would turn and run. My wife has caught a glimpse of the agony and the damage that has been done and it certainly has taken a toll on our relationship. She tries to understand and she supports me almost any way she can. I thank God for her every chance I get. Many times I have asked God to take this pain from me and for some reason He has not. He will not allow me to be tested beyond my strength though and eventually, with His help, I will overcome. We should ALL be ever grateful that we have a Father in heaven that will never forsake or abandon us.

Just know this, even though it burdens me that you have chosen to disregard this relationship, I will not give up. If for some reason you choose to pick back up where we left off, I would be happy to. I will continue to pray for you and our relationship. I don’t hate you. I hate what I have been through, but I don’t hate you. I will continue to raise my three sons striving to be the father I should be. I will not be perfect and may even fail them at times but I will never abandon them, no matter what. They will probably never be made aware of the excess baggage that I carry. I will never talk bad about you to them. Maybe one day you will know them and get to enjoy them as I have.

I am reminded of you every day. Each time I glance into the mirror I see your face. When I look down I see your hands doing things for me. I have even passed some of your traits on to my boys and sometimes catch a glimpse of you in them. Even though you’re not around you’re so much of what and who I am. It’s a shame that it had to be this way.

Your Son”

No Parent is perfect, too bad that this film has brought out the negative side of people. We all have skeletons, does not mean that they should be published! If we don’t like the way we were raised or treated, we have the right to break the cycle of violence. I think that you should get information from both sides before making the film.

“Dear Leonard,
All I know about you is you were abusive, controlling and an alcoholic. Mom tells me of this one time when she was leaving you, you picked me up went to the backyard and simply wouldn’t let me go. Even after she called the cops and they surrounded you. She says it was terrifying for her because I was just a baby and the cops had to wrestle you just to get me out of your arms. I always wondered what happened for you to not want to know me anymore. Mom said its because you had to pay fifty dollars a month for child support that you stopped wanting me. Is that true? She says that my step-dad wanted to adopt me and give me his last name but you wouldn’t let him. Why not? If you weren’t going to be around or even try to be in my life why want me to have your last name? All I’ve ever wanted was for you to come up to me and say hi but instead I see you come into a restraunt and as the hostess seats you, you glance at me and sit facing away from me. You sit there with my brothers and your wife and I begin to wonder if they even know I exist. What did I ever do to have you treat me with such cruelty? The last time I remember talking to you is when my baby sister was born. I was so excited about her birth but it took you and mom coincidently ending up at the same gas station at the same time for you to tell me, “”You’re mom has her kids and I have mine, now go back to your mom.”” That was the last time we spoke and nearly 9yrs ago. Now my wedding day approaches and you won’t be there to give me away. You don’t even know the man I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. You don’t know if he treats me well or if he works or even if he loves me. You know nothing of him, even worse you CHOSE to know nothing of me. I’m you’re only daughter and you don’t even want me anymore. You know your sons. You do everything with them. They know you and even if you’re not the father they want, you still CHOSE to be thier father and not mine. You don’t know how much that breaks my heart. All I wonder is will you ever acknowledge the obvious fact that I am yours? Do you even slightly want to know me? Dont you even care just a little bit? How long do I have to wait for you to learn to love me? How much longer must I know only a portion of myself? Answer me…please…regardless if you want me or not I am:
You’re daughter Leonda

Dear Berdino,
You were great! I was your little princess and you spoiled me rotten. From you I recieved everything I thought I wanted. Mom called me your brat. You always defended me and protected me from her wrath, lol. I loved the fact that even though I wasn’t truly your daughter you kept me close. You wanted me to be yours. You wanted me to have your last name. You were the father I never recieved in Leonard. Even when I disappionted mom I knew in your eyes I was the picture of perfection. You taught me to ride horses with such ease. You taught me to drive for my freedom. You as my father was simply the best, until you went and screwed it all up. You went and cheated on mom. Over and over and over again. You had not one but three children with three different women the whole time still being married to my mom! And the last one you only knew for three weeks and got her pregnant! Yet you acted so surprised when mom refused to give you anymore chances. When she decided that it was over for good, what do you do? You go get drunk and try to get her back and when she refused you…you stabbed her. You hurt her. Not only that but my older sister as well. And then finally…me. You stabbed me. The memory of it all will never fade. I remember that early morning as if it just happened. But that was nearly two years ago. And you’re serving 18yrs. I’m getting married and my little brother, you’re son will walk me down the aisle…not you. You promised to be there. You promised you’d give me away. A peice of advice for the future…DON’T make promises you can’t keep. Especially not to me. The sad part was that in the past two years I have only received one letter from you. What happened to me neing daddy’s little girl? I take it that you dont want me anymore either…fine. I am engaged to an amazing man named Jeremiah. And he is alwys there just for me. Unlike yourself.
You’re step-daughter Leonda”

“Dear “”Father””:

Fuck you.”

“Dear Dad,
When I was little you were my HERO. I loved you so much. I loved visiting you in Hawaii, anywhere. But one day I grew up. It was then that I realized you werent really there. Memories started to flash back. When we visited you, you would bring us to all the Grown Up places you usually go. Bars. One night you even left your two young beautiful daughters in the car sleeping while you partied it up in remote Virginia City, NV.
But then all the dots started to connect. Always used by guys, emotional problems, drug addiction.
I almost lost my life.
Thankfully my true Father, Jesus Christ came into my life.
He said…when your father or mother forsakes you, I will take you up…..
It has been so true. I love my God so much, and Im so glad He loves me too. It took me a long time to finally realize how much my FATHER IN HEAVEN loves me, but he was patient.
I have been clean for 15 years from a heroin/meth addiction, I have been married for 8 years, have 3 beautiful children with one on the way. And I LOVE MY JESUS!!!
I also am grateful that God has helped me forgive you. I truly forgive you…but am sad that the relationship is not there, but I can only hope that you will find God as your Father as well.

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